So, my friend’s son reached the significant age of 18 recently which brings up all sorts of questions like, how did that happen? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I held him in my arms? Surely only last week that I played “catch the Autumn leaf” with him in Tatton Park? As part of the celebrations, his Mum asked me, along with other aging humans, to contribute some wisdom that may help to lead him through the perilous journey of life. Here is my wisdom, the Wisdom of Steve, which I’m sure he will (and probably should) ignore…
The older you get the more you know you know very little.
Everyone is blagging it.
People only have as much power over you as you let them.
Synchronised Swimming is very skilful but not a sport.
Humour is in the eye of the beholder.
The greatest joke is the Two Monkeys in a Bath Joke but it loses something when written down.
God is bigger than you think. You are smaller than you think.
Nobody really knows “What Would Jesus Do” (WWJD) and that’s the point.
You are unique. You are loved.
Cats are parasites.
Putting fruit flavours in beer or cider is an abomination.
There is no such thing as pear cider – it’s perry.
Every sport is pointless unless you enjoy it.
Comic Sans is for children only. As is Harry Potter.
The point of life is to become more human and to make other people’s journey easier.
Celebrities are, generally, oxygen thieves.
The only thing that outlasts you is the memory of how you treated people.
God’s love for you is outrageous, extravagant and costly.
Music, food and hope are universal.
Wes Anderson is a genius.
Art is elitist. Creativity is for all.
McDonald’s is not food.
Be kind. Be gentle. Be good.
You don’t need heroes.
Find a pen you love.
Create stuff even if no-one gets it.
The greatest skill to learn is how to be adaptable.
Pastel colours are not colours. Beige is for people with no imagination.
If your politics make life harder for people, especially marginalised people, you need to rethink your politics.
Your closest friends should be better than you (although I realise this can cause a paradox).
Cheese shouldn’t smell like the animal it came from.
Heed the small voices.
Fashions will become ridiculous and, in most cases, fashionable again.
Pigeons are rats with wings.
The Hudsucker Proxy is an amazing film. There are many amazing films.
Knowledge for knowledge sake is great for pub quizzes but not much else.
Marry your best friend.
There are always stars behind the clouds.
Be wary of platitudes.
Gambling will not make you rich. You will be paying for another casino.
When drinking alcohol, set a limit. Only go over that limit occasionally and in trusted company.
The countryside is wet and smelly but if you must venture into it do it with your heart wide open.
If love is selfish, it’s not love.
You have to leave your roots to appreciate them. This does not apply to hair dye.
Life is an adventure. There are times of dark as well as light but light always wins in the end.
Better to be loving than right.
Graphic novels are not comics. Animated films are not cartoons.
Popular opinion is seldom correct.
Lessons are learnt through experience not by taking advice.
Learn empathy. Practice grace.
Don’t use those words (you know the ones I mean) as punctuation. It makes you look stupid.
Give a damn.
Lead sometimes. Follow sometimes. Learn to know when.
Art is all about the little white card next to the painting.
If you give into violence, you’ve already lost.
Dark humour for dark times.
Do nothing every now and then – absolutely nothing.
Work will always fill the void if you don’t fill it with something of value.
Jesus is not meek & mild. He does not want you as a sunbeam.
Blind faith is lazy. And dangerous.
Caviar is just fish eggs. Champagne is just fizzy wine.
A Skoda is a VW with a different badge. Don’t pay more for badges.
A good friend is someone you don’t see for a long time and you pick up the conversation where you left off.
Don’t use a pencil as a drumstick, it breaks the graphite. Put the top back on the felt pen.
I can’t yet. Not, I can’t.
Star Wars is a film not a religion. This applies to all art and media.
Any food that only tastes good dipped in butter is superfluous. Just eat the butter.
Don’t eat the weasel. Biblical truth.
A badger is funnier than a fox. A lemming is funnier than a polecat.
There are 54 kinds of mustelids. Embrace them but not literally.
Don’t put your finger in the custard.
Poverty is evil. It makes people small. People aren’t meant to be small.
Always have a hobby. It doesn’t matter what – just something you love.
Don’t wear underwear more than once before washing it. It’s gross.
Tagging is the artless work of morons. Street art is the voice of the powerless.
Tattoos are permanent and unchanging. Removing them is very painful. Only get tattoos your 70 year old self will be proud of.
There is no such thing as a free app.
Adverts are there to make you feel bad enough that you’ll buy what they’re selling.
The News doesn’t reflect the real state of the world because kindness doesn’t sell newspapers.
The more stuff you have, the more you have to maintain it.
And finally. Don’t be creepy. Don’t be a nob head.